So you wanna be a porn star?

Joseph Kramer, my mentor and teacher, says that if you want to change your life, change the way you masturbate.  I want to tell you a story about how I have learned to masturbate better.

I’ve written before about how this sexual liberation stuff has been quite the journey for me.   I’m from Cleveland, Ohio.  We did NOT talk about masturbation as I was growing up.  None of my friends admitted to ever doing it.  I thought I was freaky and perverse (well, okay, maybe I still think that) until I moved to San Francisco.  (I find it COMPLETELY ironic that I now coach people in masturbation!)

But, there was this one time… when I wasn’t here yet, and somehow I got it into my head that I could videotape myself masturbating.  Revolutionary, I know.  So, I did.  And when I watched it, I was completely stunned by how sensual and beautiful I looked as I touched my body, and aroused my pleasure.  Unfortunately, I had a HUGE shame response, and not only erased the scene, I then DESTROYED the tape.  (Pre-digital.)  Yeah, I know, sooo sad!

So fast forward to now, years later.  I now record my sessions with some degree of regularity.  What I find is that they are very instructive.  When someone tells you to ‘masturbate better,’ it can be daunting.  What does that even mean?  How do you know what to do?  Are you doing something wrong?

So what do I pay attention to when I watch my video masturbation sessions?  When I look at the videos, I pay attention to the signs of arousal I see myself displaying.  If I watch it soon enough, I may be able to remember that particular moment, and connect what I am seeing on the outside with the memory of my internal experience.  I notice how much time I am taking (or not) and the quality of the touch I am giving myself.  I pay attention to my breath, and also especially focus on any points I notice that I may be constricting.  Just like athletes watch tapes of their performance to gain insight, masturbators can do the same.

I invite you, in honor of National Masturbation Month, to videotape yourself doing yourself.  Take your time.  Turn yourself on.

When you watch it, (hopefully soon after) notice how you feel, seeing yourself in your arousal.  Notice what feelings come up.

Wash… Rinse… and….. Repeat!  Try it again, and this time touch yourself for the camera.  Play it up.  And also pay attention to the quality of your own touch.  It’s kind of like the mirror, only a different format which you can use to change up the ways in which you touch yourself.

And, keep it!  Don’t erase it.  Try again in 6 months, a year.  Compare technique.  It’ll be like an erotic journal of your pleasure journey.  I’m guessing you’ll be surprised by what you notice.

And by the way: there is no wrong way to masturbate.  

Receiving the Fruits of Love

“Desire consists of three stages.  First, getting clear on what you want.  Next, communicating it.  And last, being available to actually receive what you want, and recognizing it when it comes.” ~me

Often, this process breaks down for people in one of these stages.  After a number of failed attempts, we subconsciously learn to push away our desire, as it has become the source of pain.  To be truly intimate, we must reclaim our desire.  We can practice each of the three stages.  When we learn to consciously and actively receive, we begin to realize that our desire is not all encompassing.  We begin to know that it’s okay to be hungry, because sometimes we are full.  We begin to allow the yearning that brings us closer to Spirit, because sometimes we know the feeling of one-ness, of not-alone-ness.

Receiving is an Intimacy Technology skill.  Perhaps receiving seems like the most intuitive part of the process.  Perhaps you are saying to yourself, “Pavini, I TOTALLY am able to receive what I want.”  I believe you.  And also I invite you to consider the following.

It’s my belief, that beneath our cool exterior, most of us  feel a sense of profound inadequacy.  And I’m not the only one who thinks so.  Tara Brach, Brene Brown, and many others link our chronic suffering with a deep-seated sense of being unworthy. In fact, the Dalai Lama has ‘”expressed astonishment at the  degree of self-aversion and feelings of unworthiness reported by Western students.”  And he’s hanging out with the kids who are actually working to undo that particular belief!

When I was first falling in love with my partner, I was deeply worried about what must be horribly wrong with my partner, since they were falling in love with me.  How could I possibly actually receive love and care when I believed that the giver was deeply flawed?  And that I was deeply flawed?  If I am not worthy of love and care, I can’t actually receive it.

So yeah, somewhere along the way we swallowed a bunch of crap.   Unpacking and rewriting the unworthiness story is crucial.  And it can be a long road to recovery.  Feeling worthy definitely takes practice and repetition over time.

Once I’ve been working on the worthiness thing for awhile, then I can turn my attention to receiving.  Even if  if I can receive love and care, doI notice that I am receiving long enough to feel satiation?  If all we ever feel is hungry, we lose the sweetness of dancing along the spectrum between full and empty. We numb to the subtlety and nuance of our experience when our ability to move between binaries is stuck.

When I first left my marriage, and I was living on my own, I spent an entire Thanksgiving weekend painting my living room the color of sweet potatoes.  I listened to Lauren Hill, danced, cried and made my space gorgeous.  After the long weekend, when I was standing looking in the front window to my home, and all the lights were on, I had a curious sensation.  I couldn’t place it at first.  And then it hit me: I was content!  I had never had that experience before.  I luxuriated for months in the satiation of all of my work of leaving, moving, and creating.  It was a wonderful way to receive myself, with love.

One way you can assess how well you are able to receive is by asking someone to give you a massage.  (It’s in the name of research, tell them.)  As you are being touced, notice how deeply you can allow the touch to soak in.  Do you feel it just at the skin?  Can you allow it to absorb further in? To your muscles?  Bones?  Heart?  Can you actually feel the love pouring through someone’s hands and into your body?  This month’s Intimacy Technology class is on Receiving.  On how we can practice being available to receive more of what we want intimately, and how we can recognize it once we have it.  I hope you’ll join me on Monday, May 20 at 7.

Doorways to Arousal: Erotica is Hotica.

As a sexologist, I believe there are various ways to enter into our sexy space.  And just like different strokes for different folks (did a masturbator come up with that saying?) different people enter into erotic energy different ways.  

With purportedly, 30% of all internet traffic  to porn sites, obviously visual stimulation is a well-traveled inroad for many wankers. Fantasy will do the trick, and of course good old fashioned friction also get us there.  And then there is erotica.

I’m a big fan of erotica.  Starting with reading Penthouse “Forum” as a young person, I learned early to masturbate while reading.  I would say that a majority of my teenage masturbation involved the use of printed material.  My session today led me down this road of sweet stimulation.  I like erotica because I can fast forward and freeze frame mentally, at will.  It’s not so much the images that are created, but rather the phrasing.  Words like “throb” and “sopping” and “turgid” and “slit” are not often used outside the realm of erotica. I find them incredibly turny-ony.

The kind of orgasm I have when using erotica is very different from an orgasm when my focus is on my body.  There is a very particular heat that is generated by reading steamy stories.  I’m super picky: it has to be well written, and detailed enough to dampen my panties. It can’t be stupid, or have too many characters with hard-to-believe names like Sally and Fred.  Enough plot to be believable, not too much that I’m having to read about feelings other than arousal, turn on, shame, or prohibition.  My biggest turn-ons involve situations where there is a conflict of interest: desire + shame, or pleasure + power imbalance, or headfuck situations that involve someone being turned on even though they are being manipulated.

Part of what erotica does for me is give me a space for permission to be turned on by things that I would never really do.  Taboo is hot in erotica, in my opinion.  I’ve noticed that  erotica is often ‘given the shaft’ so to speak, and dismissed as softer porn, for girls and sissies.  I beg to differ.  Raunchy, saucy and dirty are all qualities I seek out when looking for a thigh-squeezing missive.

What I do consider important is not to get stuck in only one pathway to arousal.  I regularly mix it up, just to keep it all working.  While I don’t consider porn a problem per se, what I do have concern about is people only being able to access their erotic energy through one pathway.  Why limit yourself?

If you liked this post, do me a favor and leave a comment below answering this question: what is your favorite pathway to arousal?

Sexy in the Mirror

 Masturbating in the mirror is a powerful modality that takes a brave and courageous heart, but offers the potential for deep healing.  I’ve done this meditation a number of times, and each time am surprised by that moment when my own beauty takes my breath away.  Practice today included gazing at myself in the mirror as I masturbated.

It is interesting… I always find it hot to watch myself touch myself.  I even have a mirror at the end of my bed so I can do it.  But I rarely choose to use it!    Today, I sat up in my bed, and I used the mirror to heighten my own engagement with my touch, really focusing on following the movement of my hands as I brought a lover’s touch to my body.  I enjoyed watching my face (and sometimes felt slightly self-conscious.)  I did notice that as arousal grew, I wanted to close my eyes and sink into the experience, and staying present to my visual experience was a challenge.

Since orgasm is an internal experience for the most part in the body I have, I relied on visual cues as well as physical ones to track the onset of climax.  My face started to shift, my shoulders and belly would tense, and then I would deliberately relax them.  I played with kegels, and watched how doing them in an aroused stated rippled through my entire body.

When I came, I kept my eyes open as much as possible, and watched my face as my head tilted back, and my mouth opened.  I was surprised by how quick the orgasm was… when I am not watching they seem much longer. One of my favorite parts was watching my body as it settled from the onset of orgasm, and I moved and undulated with the waves of it.

It feels vulnerable to watch myself in this way, and to allow myself to see my own pleasure.  But I like it, too.  I like the permission I see in my eyes. 

Pleasure of Presence… Can you feel it?

The other day I wrote about how I’ve been paying attention to my presence… how present I am when I am doing mundane things.  I’ve noticed that often my mind is elsewhere… I’m in the shower, under the steamy hot water, and I’m thinking about a session, or my kids, or my partner, or…

Part of my commitment to pleasure is being available to receive it when it comes.  For example, part of my self-pleasure practice over the weekend was taking a walk in the woods, alone, and being truly present with my embodied self.  I focused on my breath, my feet, the sense of being in my body, the sensation of movement, and the sensory input I was receiving.  At the end, I felt just splendid… so juicy and full and loving myself and my life.  I realized that I had just masturbated in public, and no one even knew!

Us sex-educator types talk about masturbation as self-love.  But I’m not sure we take it to the next level, and make it about feeling the love.  Feeling that deep, warm abiding sense of presence and care.  Just like we have for somebody else; a loved one, pet or child, but actually this time feeling that same love directed toward ourselves, as well as feeling the receiving of that love.

Thich Nhat Hanh writes about noticing when you are doing the thing you are doing… now I’m typing.  Now I’m drinking coffee.  Now I’m noticing I need to pee.  Apparently, suffering comes in when we are disconnected from our experience in the present moment.  And how does this relate to masturbation?

Well, being truly present to our own touch, our own sensations can be novel.  Often, we focus on porn, erotica or fantasy during masturbation.  I love all of those things.  And.  There is a certain quality of touch that comes when my attention is ONLY on touch. Or perhaps we are numbed out, and can’t feel our own touch, or get aroused by it.  This will not do.     Barnaby Barratt says,

“We mentioned how being touched is essential to our physical welfare, our emotional vitality, and our spiritual growth. However, none of us would thrive if our being touched remained dependent on the love of others – the love of our self is prerequisite.

It is important line of childhood development that, as we grow from babies into toddlers, we are able to assume some responsibility for our need to be touched, as we become sufficiently coordinated to touch ourselves intentionally. This does not mean that the need to be touched by others disappears. Quite the contrary, it remains strongly important to continue to be touched by others, especially since we know that being touched by another human being has pronounced different energy dynamics than touching ourselves – an issue we will mention again. But it does mean that, as our child develops, touching can be reciprocal, and then, if these developments proceed well, touching can become energetically mutual or “synergistic.”

Very importantly, it means that our child becomes able to administer the gift of touch to ourselves – moving from being simply a recipient, to the possibilities of being actively self-giving. This is an enormously important shift for physical and emotional development as has been demonstrated in many ways that documented in the literatures of developmental psychology and psychoanalysis. It is also the foundation of our human capacities to receive love, and therefore to be able to give love.”

Today, I will practice administering the gift of mindful, present touch to myself, so that I may love and be loved to the full extent of my capacity.  I understand that reclaiming my touch relationship with myself is a practice, and that it may take time to feel my own touch as fully as I feel a lover’s.  However, I also recognize how self-love creates availability for loving others. I invite you to this practice with me.

Erotic Training to Feel More Pleasure

My orgasms used to last about 5-7 seconds, and were a series of 5-10 rhythmic contractions of the muscles of my pelvic floor and anus.  Since childhood when I began masturbating, I have experimented with focused orgasm.  I have tried many different muscular approaches to maximize my orgasm, and settled the predicatable orgasm described in the beginning of this paragraph.  While I mixed up my masturbation practice, my orgasms were typically similar each time I came.

Becoming a Sexological Bodyworker has changed my belief about what is possible orgasmically.  I’ve begun to experiment again, and it is so fun.  Part of what I’ve been curious about is Kegels.  Everyone knows they “should” be doing them, but how much? How frequently? It’s always been a mystery.  Today I’ve got a few resources for you if you’d like to work with your Pubococcygeus Muscles.

When fellow Sex Educator Nikki Lundberg saw my commitment to 30 days of pleasure, she invited me to participate in her 30 day self pleasure program  running this month.  Each day she is sending me a masturbation challenge. On Friday, she wrote: “For today’s self pleasure session consciously incorporate the PC muscle (the pubococcygeus muscle).

This band of muscle is shaped like a hammock and is connected at one end to your pubic bone and on the other end to your tail bone.  It encircles your rectum and urethra.  For people with vulvas, it encircles the vaginal canal.

If you don’t know where it is on your body, while peeing ,stop the flow of urine.  (But don’t make a habit of it.)  The muscle you use to do that is the PC muscle.

While the primary function of this muscle is to control the flow of urine, a healthy PC muscle is part of fantastic sexual pleasure.  It contracts during orgasm – and the stronger the contractions the better it feels.  A strong PC muscle also provides more force behind your ejaculation (for all genders).

For people with penises, a strong PC muscle is critical for stopping premature ejaculation – it can stop your semen the way it stops your urine (with practice.)

Today, start your 30 minutes with kegel exercises.  They are pleasurable and will increase blood flow to the area.

I recommend using a timer that shows seconds as well as minutes.

1. Flutter – Completely contract and relax the PC muscle as quickly as possible.  Try to go for a whole minute.

2. Contract and hold – try to keep it fully contracted as long as possible up to one minute.

3. Add repetition – contract completely and hold for 2 to 5 seconds and relax for 2 to 3 seconds.  Repeat as long as you can up to 5 minutes.

4. Repeat four times daily.  ©Nikki Lundberg

My daily practice this weekend has included Nikki’s suggestions.  I’ve engaged my PC muscles before practice and wow!  My orgasms intensify when I do this before masturbating.

Two other resources I have found recently are an iPhone app called “Kegel Camp” created by a sex educator.  You can check out this technological approach to erotic training and kegel practice here.

Doing kegels with resistance can be extra beneficial.  First, it helps to isolate the correct muscles.  Second, it gives your muscles somethign to resist against, kind of like weight training.  (There are also kegel weights available, or Betty Dodson’s “Vaginal Barbell.”  This is a product that I find fascinating for kegel resistance training.  (I don’t get commissions on any of this stuff… just offering it as resources.)

So what are my results thus far?  Well, I’ve had several orgasms lasting over 20 seconds each.  The strength of my orgasms instensifies when I do erotic training.  I feel more pleasure, and can tolerate more stimulation.  I like the attention I am placing on my pleasure: it draws my presence to my practice.  I actually feel the love I have towards myself, and that feels amazing.

It’s such a joy to take this training on.  I hope it is beneficial to you.  I hope it models permission to explore and play, with your sexuality, pleasure, and yourself.   Let me know how it’s going!

Encouraging the Erogenous: Erotic Practice #2

For today’s erotic practice, I offer for your consideration all of the erogenous zones of the body.

It is surprising when I notice that I am not doing what I think I am doing.

For example, part of my daily practice is to spend some time with my feet, each evening.  I rub this lovely frankincense lotion into them, and try to pay attention to just that experience.  So often, my thoughts fly away and I have to bring them back, again and again, every evening.

Tonight, my erotic practice revolved around my feet.  There are many, many nerve endings in the feet.  They can be very pleasurable, when I pay attention to the pleasure they can give.

Wikipedia says it feels so good “because of the concentration of nerve endings in the sole and digits of the human foot, and possibly to the close proximity of the area of the brain dealing with tactile sensations from the feet and the area dealing with sensations from the genitals.”

Tonight I spent time awakening the erotic energy in my feet.  And very soon I felt my arousal response begin.  (Yay!  It’s working!  I told myself.)  I continued on, and awakened other parts of my body too.  The cool thing is that I could feel those enlivened neurons, even after I stopped stimulating my feet and other places.

Touching myself in unexpected, experimental ways makes for a gratifying session.  I heart masturbation 4evah.